Musings from a Whirling Dervish

Hibernating

What do I want to share today? That the creative process isn’t easy. Maybe someday it will be. Maybe some days it will be. But today it’s not. I’m tired and cranky and don’t want to go outside but also feel guilty for staying inside on such a gorgeous day in such a gorgeous city. Maybe I should go be a writer in a slum. Then I could make a cave I loved to be in indoors and only be tempted to go outdoors when I needed new materials.

I say I want to live big, but right now I’m enjoying living small. Surfing the Web for interesting learnings. Laying on the daybed with my computer in my lap and a cup of coffee at my elbow. Glancing out the window from time to time. Reading my writing books. Getting inspired to write some exciting, crazy, truthful scary stuff. Not scary to read but scary to write. Why? Because I think it won’t be good enough. I’m not good enough.

But I know that I am. I’m cold and my nose is chilly to the touch and I’m curled up in a blanket as I can see the warm sun outside, and I’m happy to be right here. I need to shut down that voice of “Everybody” in my head. Everybody does not think I have to be outside and making the most of Biarritz, because I think I’m quite happily ensconced on my daybed today. So leave me alone, get out of my head, and let me get on with my fabulous exciting life that today is small and cosy and soon will be warm.

On Envy

Today I saw a friend's photo album on Facebook and felt jealous. I wanted to be having such incredible adventures. I want to be taking bigger bites out of life. And I also am not feeling the energy right now to be doing that. I moved to Biarritz two weeks ago. I want to allow myself to slowly shift into a new way of life, and yet I also see myself wanting to be doing more, bigger, better, now. I think this will be an interesting internal debate in months to come.

Red-Headed Restaurant Cashier

Hope sent from a dear friend with thanks to Carl Sandburg:

 

Shake back your hair, O red-headed girl.

Let go your laughter and keep your two proud freckles on your chin.

Somewhere is a man looking for a red-headed girl and some day maybe he will look into your eyes for a restaurant cashier and find a lover, maybe.

Around and around go ten thousand men hunting a red headed girl with two freckles on her chin.

I have seen them hunting, hunting.

Shake back your hair; let go your laughter.

Mass Compassion

A few years back, I remember a story about a dog getting stranded on a houseboat I think during a flood. People had died, homes and businesses were lost, but Americans ended up raising thousands of dollars so a helicopter could be hired to go rescue the dog. It seemed like a sad reflection of our values.

I also know that in marketing and fundraising, it's human nature to connect more to the plight of a single person than to that of thousands or millions. People will give more money to help one individual, say in Darfur, than to support projects that help hundreds or thousands more to stay alive.

This is human nature. I get it. We want to feel like our assistance is making a difference and trust that more if money or aid goes to a specific person. When it goes to a mass of people, it feels like nothing changes and our generosity is wasted.

Knowing this, I was still surprised when I broke down at my desk and started crying when I read of the kidnapping of two more aid workers in Chad. More than two million people are displaced in Darfur, with hundreds of thousands more having crossed into Chad for refuge, and I cry when I read that two aid workers were snatched by bandits. Do I have no compassion for the masses in Sudan and the Congo and Somalia who are suffering terribly every day? Why is it only when the chaos and tragedy affects people within my line of work that I can no longer hold back the tears? I know, human nature. But it still made me sad to not be touched as deeply more regularly by the circumstances of those we attempt to serve.

Buck up lil' buttercup

Today I'm disappointed in myself. I don't like this feeling. I know friends and family will say, "Give yourself a break." And it's not like I've done anything terrible. But I have misused my time.

I've been putting too much energy into a friendship that is likely never going to bring me inspiration or true ease. I've been here before in Nairobi: Desperate for connection, I've spent time with people with whom I never really connected. And I regretted that misuse of time then as well.

I like who I am, and I like spending time alone -- in fact I need this regularly. But sometimes I want to be with others. And when there is no one around who I really love spending time with, I compromise. And I often end up feeling lonely as a result.

I'm not sure of the solution to this problem. Obviously, it would be ideal to find and spend time with people whose company I really enjoy. But when I've yet to come across these people, what is the best course of action?

I recommit to living an inspired fulfilling life. And I recommit to attracting people who make me feel inspired and appreciated and doing the same for them. Just wish it were a little easier some days. I'm also realizing that I need to appreciate and value more the time I do spend with special people, including a wonderful day walking with giraffes yesterday with Megan and a relaxing breakfast this morning with Annie and Alex.

One More Night in Harare

I haven't written in over a month because I've just spent 10 days in Sudan and Darfur followed by 12 days in Zimbabwe. Haven't had any time. And now I'm excited to get back to Nairobi and get some much needed rest.

I just found out that my ex is leaving at month's end. I'm surprisingly okay with it. I'll miss him terribly, but having him close by isn't really helping me move on, even though I've really appreciated his friendship since we broke up. It's going to be lonely in Nairobi once he leaves. Hopefully new doors will open -- and preferably soon!

I promise more inspiring posts in days to come.

Beauty!

This weekend I bought some gorgeous flowers and made this arrangement. I love it! And the white flowers are making my house smell so wonderful. Mmmmm

Judge Judy

So earlier this week, I went for a morning walk, leaving my exceedingly large house to walk the streets of my exceedingly lovely neighborhood. I turned a corner and up walked two young boys in white shirts, green vests and litte grey shorts -- clearly students at one of the upscale private schools in the area. This was the second time I'd seen them, tripping along to the bus stop. Slogging behind them were not one, but two nannies -- yes, one for each little boy! -- each carrying a matching backpack, with one of the nannies also awkwardly juggling a large sports bag with a tennis racket sticking up out the top. I couldn't hold back. "Hey children, you aren't carrying your own backpacks?" "No," with a sheepish grin. "That's just not right," slipped out, as my head started wagging side to side.

And is it any more right that I live in my exceedingly large house in my exceedlingly lovely neighborhood when the average Kenyan lives in a one-room wooden shack?

Lazy Sunday

Feeling a little melancholic. A lazy Sunday followed by a lazy Saturday and wishing I had more to do. Or to be more honest, more invitations to do more with others!

I seem to often feel down after socializing. Had three good friends over for dinner Friday night and had a great time with conversation flying all evening long. And then felt flat and a bit letdown the next day. I wonder why I find it so difficult to find and maintain rich, rewarding consistent relationships here in Nairobi.

In the meantime, I'm off to stock my cupboards and then will try Ultimate Frisbee at 4 pm today. It's a good crowd. Now if my legs and lungs can just keep up!

A Change of Perspective

So the other day I was visiting a hospital that provides HIV services in Tanzania. Another group was visiting too, so the director took us around for a joint tour. After introductions, one of the other visitors asked us to all stand together for a picture and then jumped in front of us as we walked along taking a snap here, a snap there. I was thinking, "What in the hell does he want my photo for? A trip report? A collage at his office showing his team with the white blond?" And then I realized that this is probably exactly what so many of the East Africans think as I take a shot of them in a field or cooking a meal or sitting around talking. A good opportunity for me to take a look at my own reflection in the mirror.

Joy and Stress

My parents depart tonight after a 10-day visit with me in Kenya and Tanzania. It's been a great trip, but yet again I've seen that I just don't handle stress well. It wasn't too big of a deal for me when their arrival got delayed two days due to a canceled flight. Compressed the trip from 12 days to 10 days, but they ended up arriving relaxed and less jet-lagged than they would have been.

Then we had the 6-hour driving days to Tanzania on Sat and back on Tuesday. Don't think I'll do those again with family. Just too much time in the car for backseat drivers to drive you crazy, especially on African roads. That also wasn't that big a deal -- and then mom got sick. For six days! She has handled it so well, and she's been able to still be part of the trip, just doing one or two short jaunts a day instead of full days out.

This last day though as we sit at my house enjoying the garden, it's stressful for me to realize we didn't have the full trip we had planned. I had a lot of great one-on-one time with my dad, and we all saw incredible animals. But both mom and dad got little feel for my daily life here. Not too big a deal -- it's just not what I expected.

So I'm taking deep breaths and trying to enjoy the last hours with them whenever mom pops up from bed feeling okay for a few minutes! Wish them an easy return home please. And wish me some new insights in how to manage stress better without reacting strongly (and typically snappishly!) when things don't go how I had hoped. Feel free to share any tips you have too please! Maybe gazing at this incredible photo?

 

Coconuts

So I feel like I'm back in the Marshall Islands. Damn water rationing. I'm having to fill up a bucket in my tub every weekend so make sure I can take a shower whenever I want. I'm so tired of shivering under a freezing, barely dripping stream of water. Not sure what I'll do when the parents arrive. Guess it's time for more buckets!

Listening to Harry Nilssen's Coconuts in honor of good Peace Corps memories. Making me want a margarita, not that I could get one there. Or just a good ole coconut with a healthy shot of rum. Yum!

I want to insert a picture but don't want to step on any copyrights. Anyone have any suggestions on reuse of photos online?

Off for a walk!

Creative Energy

April 4, 2009 by whirlingmusings

Ah, I wish I had more of it. This month has been incredibly draining. Amazing how emotional upset can really wipe you out.

But I’m turning over a new leaf. Had a great coaching session with my amazing coach Mollee Johnson and have committed to writing three blogs a week, printing and hanging three of my incredible Africa photos, and exploring opportunities for a new career in international development consulting. Still not sure how that last one will pan out, but here’s to seeing!

Must go get some food in me to get going on all of this. And softball at 3 pm. Wishing everyone a great day!

Back to the Land of the Living

March 18, 2009 by whirlingmusings

So it’s been a pretty awful week. The phone breakup two Sundays ago is now an official breakup in person. I’m sad but after rearending a car trying to have a final talk this morning, we finally sat down this evening and I was able to have my say. I shared my love for him and my wish that we could continue to grow together. His feelings, however, have changed. So it’s time to do some more personal reflection and buck back up. Proud of myself for getting back into a car and risking crazy traffic here to get across town to say what I needed to say.

I don’t want this blog to be all about my relationships. Thanks for putting up with these postings for where I am now. Pizza and Milk the movie now on tap. Love to all.

Isoke

March 15, 2009 by whirlingmusings

So more than a year ago I learned about the town of Isoke in southern Sudan. I still don’t know where exactly it is, but it inspires me to this day. It all came out of some very confusing conversations of me asking about where we worked and hearing “it’s okay.” Okay, it’s okay, but where the hell are we doing this work? After many amusing minutes I realized this was the name of a town. It still inspires me today. “Isoke.” “It’s okay.” Wish there was a town called “Accept what is coming your way without resisting.” “Isoke.” Okay, the town already exists.

Request to the Universe

March 10, 2009 by whirlingmusings

Unsolicited text from boyfriend: I’m in, baby, I’m in!
Response from Whirling Dervish: Woo-hoo!

Musings Under a Full Moon

March 10, 2009 by whirlingmusings

So, my boyfriend and I are in crisis. I’ve been a nightmare during the 3.5 weeks he had been traveling in Sudan. He’s now back in Khartoum and is ready to be done with me. I don’t really blame him. And yet, he knows I’m doing my best and am working to be a more supportive, less needy girlfriend. He’ll return to Nairobi some time this week. And supposedly he’ll contact me when he does to “discuss our situation further.” I hope we can create an amazing relationship that fully supports one another. And I hope I can move beyond my neediness and impatience and learn to trust his love and respect his space. I’m feeling inspired under this full moon. And I love knowing that whatever happens, it’s okay. It’s what I need to learn right now. Here’s to living in the moment even as despair washes over me, hope elates me, and I embrace whatever happens. Also need to say that the agency I work for has made me intuitively stop using the serial comma. Here I am reclaiming its use.

Much love and best wishes for your own adventures and learnings.

Are you ready?

March 10, 2009 by whirlingmusings

So am I ready? I need to share my experiences with the world. I’m going through a lot of changes right now and want to process them out loud, in public, and yet with enough privacy that I feel I can say whatever I want. You’ll like this blog if you value honesty, integrity, passion, and a desire to explore whatever life presents you with. Of course it also matters whatever you make yourself open to. I’m excited about the journey and invite you to join me.

Inspired in the light of a full moon,

Whirling Dervish